I haven't really found my spiritual home in New Haven yet. There hasn't been a church or a group that meets me on my home turf and provides the sort of spiritual comfort I've known well before. I have ample excellent influences that are stretching and growing my knowledge of and ways of believing in God, but there's something a little cold about that when the other part is missing. I live alone, and I've just started to have my first few moments of loneliness in my apartment. Especially when I wake up from a nap and I know nobody ever knew I was sleeping, or that I was now awake.
I am asking a lot of questions about the things I've learned in my religious education - both the conclusions I've drawn by myself, the thoughts I've developed with friends, the ideas I accepted at Pepperdine, and the maxims I've learned in church. This is where it's important to distinguish questioning from doubting. I am not doubting - I am not trying to choose between belief and unbelief, but rather to look at the facts and see what needs to grow or shrink or be replaced by better belief.
But it takes a toll, I will say. I spend a massive amount of time reading the Bible, but it's all my Old Testament reading for class. When I'm done with it, I never have the stamina to flip into the Pauline letters for a little spiritual food. There is much to get out of the Hebrew Scriptures, but I really miss Jesus. It is beginning to hurt.
Tonight I said a long prayer of the sort I haven't said in a long time. It opened a flood of tears that combined the fear of everything I'm facing this week academically, the relational challenges of feeling a little lonely, and the slow decline of my former spiritual devotions until they've almost been extinguished. My iPod soon shuffled onto a song that draws its lyrics from Romans 8: 35, 37- 39:
Psalm 27:5 says, "In the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle and set me high upon a rock." He isn't waiting in his tabernacle to see if I find him there. He's bringing me there of his own might, for it is his desire that I be safe with him there. He seeks after me. He pursues my love by giving me his own. It may be that I am passive sometimes, but never he. Sometimes we call him the "Prime Mover" in my Aquinas class. He "moves" with a kind of motion that sets the planets moving. It is in him that we move and think and have our being. Exodus 14:14 reminds me, simply, "You have only to keep still."